To the babies who were dreamed of…
In The Hills, The Nurtured Way
May 4, 2011
Mother’s day can bring about many feelings of joy, but also of a deep sadness for those who have miscarried a pregnancy or lost a child at birth. In today’s very special blog post, Holly reveals her innermost feelings during her family’s recent journey through loss…and renewal.
To the babies who were dreamed of,
But not conceived
To the babies we carried,
But never held
To the babies we held,
But didn’t bring home
To every baby and child
that touched our lives for a moment,
But held our hearts forever.
It has taken me a few months to actually write this. As I do, I find I have to reach back into my memory and heart to find the feelings and thoughts of that moment and this journey.
Naively, I never thought I would have to walk through the experience of losing a pregnancy personally. Instead, I grieved for anyone I supported professionally as a doula or childbirth educator who went though such a loss. In six years as a birth professional, I had encountered only a few heartbreaking situations of couples losing a baby though. Some were early into a pregnancy, and others were upon delivery.
It’s hard to say that I knew, but somehow even from as early as eight weeks into my second pregnancy, I had a nagging feeling something was “off”.
Of course I dismissed it over and over again, even getting angry with myself for such absurd thoughts. Every pregnancy is different, right? It can be normal to not have any nausea at all, right? You’re supposed to be really tired in the first trimester…And on and on.
By week nine in my first pregnancy with my son, we were able to find a heartbeat during a visit with the midwives. It was loud and clear. So I expected to be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat again at 10 weeks, even though my wonderful midwife reminded me that it would be completely normal not to hear anything yet. Still, when we found nothing, my heart sank all the way to my uterus I think. It seemed to confirm my worst fears.
A week later was my birthday, and while at a lovely family dinner at Blue Mountain I started spotting.
Again, could be completely ok, for some mothers-to-be, its entirely normal. I freaked out though. If you know me at all, you would know that I rarely show panic or distress. Inside, I was a mess.
Another visit to the midwives. They assured me again that it could be completely normal. They advised us to wait and watch for further symptoms. Cramping, back ache, excessive bleeding were the signs to watch for. A week later, at 12 weeks, I suddenly came down with strep throat, something I haven’t had since I was young. The pain was excruciating! What I couldn’t explain though was the incredible lower back pain I was experiencing as well. I was trying to not take any pain medications in hopes that baby would be ok. Finally, when I could hardly walk, I decided to take Tylenol. It helped my throat and fever, but didn’t touch the back pain.
Laid out on the couch in the living room, I prayed. I simply gave up my control and cried, and prayed that my body would just do whatever it was it needed to do. I let go. An hour later, the bleeding started.
I am so grateful to have had my mom and husband and our son there to go through the experience with me. My midwives were delivering babies but still calling me and talking me through the process. My husband cried with me and my adorable little man Zac entertained me with singing and dancing, in between lots of hugs and cuddles. The amazing thing for me was the absolute peace I felt when it was all said and done. We were overwhelmed with disappointment, but I also felt so relieved that my body had worked as nature intended it to. Too many times I have seen parents walk through the tragedy of carrying a baby to full-term, only to find they will not survive outside the womb.
***
I have been shocked in the days since this happened to share my story with close friends, who then told me they had been through it, sometimes more than once. This seems to be a “suffer in silence” topic for both women and men who go through it.
My husband felt the loss deeply but didn’t quite know what to do with that feeling. I took a more practical outlook and went into ‘Move On’ mode. Still, I shared my loss with anyone who was interested in listening. After a season of so much loss in our family, I have learned that you have to talk. So many times I wanted to blurt it out to the lady at the drive through, or to the teller at the bank, “Someone I love has died! How can you just go on with your life like this? The world needs to stop and be still!”
I lost my dad (my best friend) two years ago, my grandpa this year, my dog, our baby, and then our pet hamster. That may seem trivial in itself, but after having to break the news of his baby going to heaven with papa and great-papa, Zac was in denial that Chewy had died as well. We kept his hamster even after he died in his cage in the basement, until Zac was ready to say goodbye. Thankfully, it didn’t take too long!
I’ve found many ways to blame myself for losing our baby. I shouldn’t have carried Zac around, I shouldn’t have taken the Tylenol, I shouldn’t have been so busy and stressed with work, I shouldn’t have shovelled five feet of snow to get into Nurtured Family centre after a snowstorm… But in the end, this wasn’t a pregnancy that was meant to continue, according to my body.
My midwives were incredible after our pregnancy loss as well. I was still in their care for six weeks postpartum, and they took such gentle care of me. They reminded me that it wasn’t my fault, that none of those activities will end a pregnancy. I am blessed in that I didn’t need a D&C afterwards. I am blessed that everything went back to normal by the end of the next month. I know with my next pregnancy, I will have some emotional healing still to walk through. But I’m ready for that journey. We’ve had our season of loss.
Above all else, I was blessed to be given the hope of trying again. As spring starts to come to life, it’s time for a season of new life for our family.
Let’s just say its going to be a busy time in our house over Christmas!! 
Holly and Zac...and baby to be...
Baby #2 at 10 weeks
Congratulations Holly!!!
And thank you for sharing your story with us.
Emily Krbec on May 4, 2011 at 2:26 pm |
(HUGS) and congrats
SO happy for the 3 of you!
Tabitha on May 4, 2011 at 2:32 pm |
Love it! Congrats!xoxox
Jessica on May 4, 2011 at 2:44 pm |
Congratulations !
You’ve made a big step , its said that telling your story is a big
part of the healing process after a loss .
Our Jenna will be celebrating her 3yr angelversary on May 13th.
Unfortunitly we have not been able to move forward . We are so happy to hear your story will continue and a new baby will bless your family with many happy moments to be made.
Sending all our love
Big hugs xo
April on May 4, 2011 at 9:48 pm |
Thank you for posting this Holly. And congratulations on your pregnancy!
Carolyn Shortill on May 4, 2011 at 9:49 pm |
It happened to me and I still think of my child everyday. I didn’t know what a broken heart sounded like till I lost my baby. God did bless us though with another pregnacy two months later and I am so greatful and blessed to have both my little angels.
Amanda on May 4, 2011 at 10:01 pm |
I too thought I had plenty of time to have a child… & when we started (many years ago) nothing was happening. Little did we know, we both had conceiving issues. We tried & tried but nothing. My husband & I decided, after many attempts of invitro & drugs for my husband, that it was just not meant to be. Our lives went on but not after reaching this decision and I was then 30, I missed a period & I was pregnant!
Great pregnancy, 7 hr natural delivery and perfect baby girl blessed our home (24 years ago) We were never blessed again but are so thankful for our one & only to this day!
You & your family are going to be just fine, this baby is meant to be! – Congratulations to all of you! xo (I work with Gabe at RE/MAX)
Susan Banks on May 4, 2011 at 10:12 pm |
Dear Holly,
Thank you for sharing your story with use, and congratulations, the miracle of life is a blessing. Many of us have walked in your shoes some more than others, like me. I always knew I wanted children but after the first two miscarriages I gave up the hope. I prayed so much and begged God to send my husband and a baby. Then when I had made peace with accepting that this may never be I found out that I was pregnant. I decided to pray so much asking God to give me a chance to carry this baby to term. I did everything I was asked and I was extra cautious all the time. Once I had passed my 3 month mark I felt I was in the clear. I carried my baby to full term and started getting excited to soon be able to bring our little baby girl home, but that never happened. Our daughter was born with a hyper coiled umbilical cord and her oxygen was cut off during delivery. I took too long to revive her and after 4 days that she blessed us with her presence we had to let her go. The journey I have been on is one that most time is filled with deep sadness but there is still a part of me that feels blessed to still be here with my husband. I will never give up hope in becoming a Mom again; I just don’t get life sometimes, even after another miscarriage only 4 months after our Angel was born. If I don’t have hope to hold on to I have nothing at all.
Thank you for reminding me that above all no matter what types of tragedies we are faced with there is always room to count our blessings.
Take Care,
Annie
annie on May 4, 2011 at 10:36 pm |
Hi Holly,
I commend you & your family for their strength & courage. I can only imagine what this must be like for you & others in similiar situations.
God Bless,
Lori
Lori on May 5, 2011 at 8:31 am |
Thanks for sharing your story. I too went through this. I knew at 6 weeks the pregnancy wasn’t viable but it took my body an additional 5 weeks to figure this out and see to things. Dr’s wouldn’t do a D&C as the “mass” was growing with a blood supply. They drilled into my head waiting was the best way and my body WOULD take care of it. This natural process would be better for my body as I already had severe scarring in the uterus from my previous children. They were right. At just under 12 weeks it happened. It wasn’t a quick process – it took 5 days start to finish but when it was over, I felt 100% better and all the symptoms went away. But the emotional scars remained.
About a week after the miscarriage, I had a dream one night. I dreamt of standing in this foggy room with someone I couldnt see. There was a line up of fuzzy people with no faces….all except for this little girl standing there, clear as a bell…about 2yrs old with dark long hair. I asked the person why was everyone fuzzy but not this little person? They responded, this is your daughter and she is waiting to come to you…..be patient and heal so she can. I immediately awoke, greatly affected by this dream but felt some hope that death wasn’t the end, but only a beginning.
Within 3 months I was pregnant again and was blessed with a beautiful wee girl (8 weeks premature)….when I look at her now at 3….with her long dark hair…I can’t help but think back to that dream and ponder the existence of something quite amazing.
3Kidson23 on May 5, 2011 at 10:16 am |
Thanks for sharing Holly. It is so liberating to tell others when we are suffering. Almost like the burden is broken down each time. Love you!!
Amy on May 5, 2011 at 3:35 pm |
Heartfelt message, Holly, and I know it will help many others. Congrats on your new baby to be! Love you guys!
Ruth & Ron
Aunt Ruth on May 6, 2011 at 9:24 am |
My Dear Holly,
I remember a beautiful little girl from Manitoulin. You have lost some pretty wonderful people that you have loved and been loved by.
As I read your piece I was blessed to hear a young women who is processing her grief and articulating the experience to help others.
You and your mom will always be a part of very plesant memories of summers at Manitoulin.
We live in Vancouver so the island is just a memory for now. Our kids enjoyed having the ‘cottage’ and beautiful Kagawong to escape to
when school was over.
Blessings on you and your family.
SHaron Starratt (Burmaster)
Sharon Starratt on May 6, 2011 at 2:36 pm |
Dear Holly,
Thank you for sharing.
Although I do not know you very well, both your Mother and
Father meant so very much to us. Your losses have been many, but your faith is strong. May God continue to keep his
faithful hand on you as you move forward with your healing.
Blessings and Love,
Valerie DeYoung on May 8, 2011 at 12:19 am |
Congrats Holly & Gabe! sorry for the lateness of this message, but know how you feel as I too lost a baby at 12 wks….not easy physically and emotionally. You’re strong, young and pulling thru with God and the help of your family. Go girl!!! Rest lots when you are tired!! Blessings, Claire
Claire Swant on June 4, 2011 at 7:28 pm |
Beautifully written and well expressed. So important to voice your grief as you have done. Looking forward as you are to the future of new life. Hugs; Mom
Mom on November 23, 2011 at 10:57 pm |